Love Doesn’t Always Translate to Support

Have you ever shared your dream with someone, only to have them stomp on it with a few unsupportive words?

‘I’ve been thinking about writing a book, and—’

‘It’s really hard to get published, you know.’

 

In an ideal world, you would define your dream, tell your family and friends —and be flooded with support and offers to help you get there. But let’s face it: this isn’t an ideal world and some people, even those closest to you won’t support you. How do you handle that? And how do you ignore the naysayers and press on?

Well let’s start here…there’s a breed of control freaks who quietly lurk, ready to attack your precious, vulnerable ideas as soon as you share them with the world. These people are known as naysayers, non-supporters, or just plain dream killers.

You’ll find them in the workplace, in social circles, in the family, or in your own bed. It could be your partner, your best friend, your child, your parents, your neighbor’s mother’s husband third cousin …….

Regardless of who they are, naysayers all have the same toxic tendency: they get off on popping bubbles, and raining on parades.

 

How to recognize a naysayer….

This is usually how it unfolds: you dream up a plan that excites you to the core of your being. It may be a new hobby, a career change, or an outrageous invention.  

 

 Some will pat you on the back and say, “GO FOR IT,” but there’s always some people who get off on pointing out reasons why you can’t do it. They may even try to mask their doubt as support by saying something like “I’ll support you….don’t know if that’s reasonable but go for it”.

Common remarks from naysayers:

‘The average person who does that usually isn’t successful.’ Which in response you say “I’ve never been average so I don’t live by that idea”

 ‘Are you sure you’re qualified?’ Which you respond by saying “Is this a job interview?”

Naysayers love to highlight the impracticalities of your dream, “You can’t make any money doing that.” In which you can ask “Really? Have you tried it?”

Or, they’ll call upon ‘normal people’ as the basis for their argument, pointing out how you’re destined for failure because you’re not acting like one of them. ‘Normal people usually just get a real job,’ or, ‘This isn’t what normal people do.’

 

Most often, naysayers have not fulfilled their own dreams. They don’t live an inspired existence because they’re too busy living in fear. Maybe they made the mistake of listening to their own naysayers, and they’re just parroting words that have kept them down their whole life? Perhaps they believe that life is all about living inside a fantasyland called Normalville, where regular people populate the average town of Mediocrity, sipping on lukewarm cups of boring?

 

But seriously…. chances are if they are a loved one and a naysayer, they’re just scared. They fear that if in fact you do fail…you will experience devastating loss. However, we have learned in recent times that even while ‘playing it safe’ the same thing can happen. We are in LESS control of our destiny by remaining wage workers and fulfilling someone else’s dream. So I recommend talking it out with a close loved one…such as a parent or spouse. Ask them what their concerns are and, without judgment, address them one by one. Don’t let it escalate into an argument—stay calm. Comfort them through their fears, while peacefully standing your ground. This is your life, your journey and your happiness, so own it and make it clear that you won’t sway from your dream. Negotiate and compromise if possible, but make sure you leave the conversation with your heart fluttering. If you come away from the conversation feeling heavy and sad, you’ve just been naybashed once again. 

 

However…if it is a family member or friends who really has no vested interest in your life do one of two things.

  1. Ignore them. Have confidence in your planImages, and refuse to hear their joy kills. Locate your internal switch called GIVE A CRAP and simply flick it over from DO to DON’T.
  2. Sever ties. Perhaps the naysayer is a friend or partner who never supports your dreams? If you find yourself in a relationship with a toxic person who continually tears holes in your ambitions, it may be best to cut off the relationship. You have the power to control your environment and the people you surround yourself with. Avoid negative people and those who will bring you down. Surround yourself with people who are positive, zestful and who are also pursuing their own goals. This type of attitude and behavior has been found to be contagious.

I live by a theory I got from Caroline Adams Miller, author of Creating your Best Life. The positive to negative comment ratio should be 5:1. For every 5 positive comments said to me people are allowed one negative. Once the ratio drops below 3:1 it has the effect of reducing my well-being and every other positive emotion or action that would help with accomplishing my goals. So that means they have to go!

Removing Negative People From Your Life

Last blog entry I stated that “you stay motivated by surrounding yourself with positive people”. Later I was asked “well what do you do with the others in your life?” So…let’s talk about how to remove negative people from your life. There comes a point in many relationships when you know that you need to end it. Romantic, friendships, or even family members! No matter whom it is, if you know on some level that they are doing you more harm than good… Evict them from your life. Immediately! While it may sound harsh, you owe it to yourself and your sense of inner peace to eliminate unhealthy people from your circle as soon as possible.

If an individual makes you feel bad about yourself, what you do, how you are…. then the person is toxic. Toxic people often make others feel badly in order to feel better about themselves. Or they discourage you from following your dreams because they don’t have the courage or discipline to follow theirs. These people serve no purpose and as you get closer to your goals in life, you have much less time for idle relationships. And you faster you cut idle people out of your routine the faster you will reach your goals.

If this person is a family member and you can’t “evict” them minimize the time spent around them. You can also set clear boundaries with toxic people who you can’t evict. If they cross a line and they go too far with their commentary then let them know that although you love them and care for them, their negativity isn’t welcome. Explain to them that if they can’t be positive or respectful, then you can’t be around them.

And I know I repeat this alot but, surround yourself with positive people! The more time you spend with positive people the less time you have for the joy kills. I’ve also noticed that people will either change or remove themselves. Usually it’s removing themselves….because many fear change. Positive thinking is changing your whole mindset! This can be difficult for most…and as I stated earlier….many of these people lack courage to take these kinds of life steps.  I have purposely invited “joy killers” to events where I knew alot of positive energy would be in the room. They both love it and want more of it which helps them change for the better… or they hate it. They sit in the corner with their face balled up basking in their negative aura and they never want to come with me again. So instead of me needing to evict them they break the friendship lease themselves.

Bottom line is that people in your life either pull you up or bring you down. It’s one or the other….you determine what your relationships do for you. Once you come to that conclusion it’s all on you. We Are Responsible for Everything in Our Lives! Including the relationships we maintain. Stay Mega Motivated.

Who Motivates the Motivator????

So after quite a few conversations with different friends I’ve noticed some things. Most people I develop relationships with are motivators. Even my childhood friends…those who are still in my life are motivators in one way or another. I don’t do too well in draining friendships….you know…those who suck the life out of you. This goes for platonic relationships and romantic ones. I’ve also noticed that these motivators often look to me for motivation in one way or another. So I started asking myself “Who motivates the motivator?”

 

First off it’s not only “who” but “what”. Many of us are out here speaking and writing while working to support our families. This can be a daunting task. BUT….if you stay motivated and see the bigger picture it relieves some of the pressure. People often ask me how I find time to write, work fulltime, do community service and be a great mom. And the answer is ‘I have no idea’. I spend my time “doing” and not wondering how it can get done. So here’s what motivates a motivator

1)     Listen to good info. As you listen, apply the truths to your life & they will become what you live!

2)      Focus clearly on your goals. My goals are firmly rooted in my mind and heart. Because of this, I always have an attitude of motivation.

3)      Discipline. When you discipline yourself you will find you’re becoming more and more motivated. Being disciplined gives you victories that make you feel good, which in turn motivates you for further action. This can be discipline to stay organized, to budget your money etc.

4)      Talk to the people that we serve. Being a motivator is a form of service….and all those who come to your speaking engagements, read your blog or buy your books are those you serve. When to feel like you have to put your motivational tasks on the back burner due to circumstances remember that this is something that you have been called to do. It’s not an option. Now, what you can do is change your game plan. Maybe you can’t travel for gigs, maybe you can now only do evening and weekend gigs locally. Maybe u can only do Vlogs or webisodes and not live gigs. Destinations often have detours…and that’s OKAY. Slow progress is better than No progress!

5)      The most important of them all! Maintain a positive group of friends and colleagues. One of the best things you can do is to surround yourself with positive people who will build you up and encourage you to pursue your dreams. They will be honest with you, yes, but they will also challenge you to shoot for the stars!

I refuse to let any of my friends give up on the goal at hand. I support detours, short breathers…. But they can’t give up! Apart of my job is to motivate the motivators. Keeping them motivated so when I’m down there is someone to motivate me.

If one of my friends/ motivators give up that means 2 things. One, I have one less motivator, and two, I failed! So shout out to all my motivators because I refuse to be a full time worker and a part time friend!

Six Cop Outs People Use to Claim They Are Not Gossiping (when they really are)

I’d never considered gossiping one of my particular faults. Sure, from time to time I said something behind someone’s back, but not often. Right? Wrong.

As so often happens with my Positive Thinking Project, it was only when I made a point to quit this bad habit that I realized how ingrained it was.

By “gossip,” I mean “making unkind or unnecessary remarks behind the back of someone I know.” Saying, “Paris Hilton is trashy” doesn’t count as gossip.

We all know that we shouldn’t gossip, so sometimes we try to disguise the fact that that’s what we’re doing. Here are some common “defenses”  used to justify gossip:

1.“I’m just concerned.” 
“I’m worried about her, she seems unhappy, I wonder if she got a bad evaluation.” “Those two never seem to do anything together, I hope their marriage isn’t in trouble.” It’s none of your business so why are you so concerned??? I will bet money you really aren’t too concerned if you are discussing it with anyone else other than the parties involved.

2. “I’m thoughtfully analyzing to my friend’s character.” 
“Do you think he’s so arrogant because his mother pushed him so hard as a child?” “Do you think she spends so much money on clothes because she feels some kind of lack in her life?” No….you are finding fault in your friend…and once again…it’s not really any of your business and unless it’s being explored with your friend how can this uplift them at all?

3. “I’m entitled to my opinion.” 
“That party was too lavish for a bunch of six-year-olds.” “The hors d’oeuvres were terrible.” “He’s such a pompous bore.” True….you are. But is stating it necessary? Remember…you only get in the energy you put out.

4. “I’m passing along information that a lot of people already know.”
“They’re fighting over custody.” “He’s gained at least twenty pounds.” If a lot of people know…they don’t need one more person to help spread the word.

5. “I’m just relaying a conversation.”
“He said, ‘I’m thinking about quitting,’ and I said, ‘Can you afford to quit?’ and he said….” “She told me that they spent more than $10,000…” Keep conversations to yourself…period point blank. Be trust worthy and honest.

6. “I’m not gossiping, you are.”
“So what did you think of what she was wearing?” “Did the CEO think they bombed the presentation?”

Here’s the test of whether something is gossip or not: if I wouldn’t want the person who’s the subject of the conversation to overhear what I’m saying, I shouldn’t be saying it. Gossip is most often  just rude, two-faced, and mean-spirited.

Since I’ve cut down on gossiping substantially (I can’t claim to have quit), I’ve noticed a change in myself that I didn’t expect: I feel less paranoid that people might be angry at me, or that I’ve done something wrong. I feel kinder and gentler and I feel less judgmental.

This post was hard to write, because I’m ashamed to admit to gossiping AT ALL. Maybe this confession will help me along in my Positive Thinking Project.

 

Follow me on Twitter @megamotivator and on instagram @MegamotivatorNay

 

Why should you vote?

 

Here is a great blog entry about voting. Great read…check it out

Why should you vote?.

Five Simple Reasons NOT TO GOSSIP

Accomplished individuals do not talk trash about others so that they can get ahead.  And they don’t listen to those who do.

Kind speech is a better option

Here’s 5 simple reasons NOT TO indulge in gossip:

1.  Gossip actually changes the way we see people.

This is actually really scary.  It’s a good reason to be very choosy about what kind of information you’ll listen to–and what kind of information you’ll share with others. Even if you are not doing the talking….listening to gossip about an individual will change your view of who they are. I don’t even stand around the water cooler while the gossip is being spewed. I kindly bow out of any conversation that turns to speaking about someone who isn’t there to partake in the conversation also.

2.  Gossip produces long-term unhappiness.

A good gossip session can be pleasurable at the time, but that feeling of camaraderie and being in-the-know doesn’t last, and soon gives way to guilt.  Over the long-term gossip makes everyone unhappy. Not to mention…this goes back to the energy I always speak of. You get what energy you put out. You can only sow the seed you planted. Think about that.

3.  Gossip makes you look bad.

When you gossip about others, your listeners perceive you to have whatever qualities you are attributing to others.  So if you’re criticizing someone for being irresponsible, your hearers will perceive you to have that same flaw.  (This phenomenon is known as spontaneous trait transference–and it applies to positive comments as well. Excuse me getting a little psychological on you all). If that theory doesn’t work for you let’s go with this: We tend to point out faults in others than we see in ourselves. So take a long look in the mirror.

 

4.  People won’t trust you if you gossip.

If you’re gossiping to someone, it’s not much of a stretch for them to imagine you gossiping about them. That’s straight to the point.

5.  Gossip is just not nice (but you already knew that).

If you do hear gossip, let it end with you.  Choose a kinder subject, and move on. Trust me….many times friends bring up gossip (even though they may claim that’s not what it is) and I kindly move the conversation back to myself, a business idea, etc.

Think you’re not guilty of gossip?  Well, maybe that’s true.  But I’d challenge you to review my “Six Cop Outs People Use to Claim They Are Not Gossiping (when they really are)”  just to be sure. That blog entry is coming soon!!!! Follow me on Twitter @megamotivator and on instagram @MegamotivatorNay to keep up to date.

Seasonal Relationships

Stop allowing seasonal people to dictate your next season in your life. These friendships can have a profound effect on you and your life.  But once that season of life is over and things changes, so can the relationship.

We need to be okay with this.

I think all too often, we hold on for dear life because we feel indebted to these friends.  We have gotten so comfortable with them  being in our lives we can’t imagine life without them.

That’s not God’s design.  Instead our loving Father intentionally places these friends in our lives when we need them. He provides us with the love, support and encouragement we need from others during that time. God uses them to be his hands and feet so we can stand through whatever storm we are facing.

The seasonal friendship are actually a blessing.

Sooner or later, however, that season ends.  And by divine design, so does that friendship.

 

Many times we continue to grow and move on to complete the mission that God has set out for us. If you know the vision God has given you in life, don’t be afraid to cut those chords from folks who are not growing you. I don’t give too many people the privilege to enter my life. I am friendly and cordial to all but I do not associate with people who are not moving in the same direction that I am moving in….towards success.

 

Proverbs 13:20 Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise,
but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

 

A Family that Prays Together Stays Together

The Prayer of Agreement in Matthew 18:19 is a wonderful one and it is widely popular in Christian circles but before we talk about what it is, let’s talk about what it is not.

1)   It is not a formula. A formula says: if I do these three things in this order and in this way I’m going to have predictable results. It’s not a scientific formula like 2 hydrogen and one oxygen makes water.

2)   The prayer of agreement is not a way to manipulate God into doing things OUR way. You can say “I really want a BMW so if my mate agrees with me and we pray together for a BMW God will give it to me”. NOPE…that’s not how it goes!

I point these things out because I’ve heard that various Christian teachings come in and go out of style and the misuse of this one has certainly had its heyday. While the truth of God’s Word remains the same for all time, it is our tendency as human beings to slant and manipulate scriptures to our own purposes if we aren’t careful. I’ve misused scriptures myself and I have also experienced the sorry results when my prayers were met with failure: disappointment, discouragement and disbelief.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s look at the true power of this type of prayer. And you better believe that agreeing together for God’s purposes on the earth is very powerful! When two or more believers in Jesus Christ interlock their hearts into agreement with each other and with God for answers they have added a red bull, bounce off the wall, turbo boost type of energy to their prayers. Think about the power and effect of harmony among singing duet versus a soloist; a trio over a duet and a whole choir over a quartet.

The reason for this increased power is explained in the verse of scripture following Matthew 18:19. Verse 20 says; “For where two or three have gathered together in My name, there I am in their midst. “The presence of Jesus is the important part. It’s actually the critical detail that everything else hangs on. That’s what produces the answers to prayer that we are looking for. If we ask for his input.

Suppose you are sitting in your living room with a fellow Christian getting ready to pray about something very important.  Then Jesus walks into the room and you can both see him with your own two eyes. Would you just ignore him and come to your own agreement about the situation and pray? I wouldn’t. I would check with Jesus and find out what he thinks is the best outcome and then we both pray in agreement with him.

“Well Shanay if he’s not in the room how can I ask?” Of course he is in the room; he shows up when we gather in his name. That’s the promise he gives us in verse 20. But since we can’t see him with our natural eyes we often just skip the part about finding out what he wants and go right into agreement for whatever we want and then claim that this is going to come to pass based on our fulfillment of Matthew 18:19.  (feel free to read that twice). Use the prayer properly and great things will happen.

Here’s a verse I really like:

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.  But someone who falls alone is in real trouble…A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.  Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT)

What happens when two people come together in unity and prayer?

  • Victory is Experienced (Exodus 17:12)
  • Increased Power is Experienced (Deuteronomy 32:30)
  • The Right Decisions are Made (Acts 1:24)
  • The Holy Spirit is Ushered In (Acts 2:1-3)
  • Ensure the Presence of Jesus (Matthew 18:20)
  • Prayers are Answered (Matthew 18:19)
  • Miracles Occur (Acts 3:1-9)
  • Needs are Supplied (Acts 4:34-37)
  • Brings Safety and Restoration (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
  • They Help Each Other to Succeed (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
  • They Conquer Their Enemies (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

As usual….feel free to leave comments 🙂

My issue with Ann Coulter

I try to stay away from publicly speaking about politics too much. Not that I’m unaware or that I don’t care….I just don’t feel like it’s my major calling to speak about. But I was itching to get this one off my chest so here it goes.

 

My issue with Ann Coulter and people like her, they are so self centered and don’t actual seek to understand black people. Now there are black people who agree with her, but you can’t claim to be an expert on race when all you do is spread and spew hatred. Her superiority complex when talking about “the blacks” is nauseating. Ann feels as though, she’s so smart that she can tell black people what they should feel, because like little lost puppies, we’ve been lead astray.

But no Anne… you are no expert on race. You are just a condescending, race baiting, self fulfilling individual who’s allowed to be that because of a privilege you deny even exists.

 

Remember that whole “Our blacks are better than theirs” debacle speaking on Republican vs Democratic blacks….doesn’t that just have a very ownership and superior tone to it????

 

Never mind that we black people actually care about ACTUAL party policies when voting. Nope…it can’t be that so Super Anne has to play Captain Save a Black.

 

You  CANNOT be an expert on race when you refuse to HEAR, UNDERSTAND the stories, experiences and feelings of people in that community.

 

And if all you can do to show your party’s love for black people, is talk about, 50 or 100 years ago…you’ve lost that argument already.

Speak about the present….like the Ryan Budget whose cuts would drastically affect people of color. Or Romney not caring for the poor and struggling. Or how Mittie/Pauly would cut Pell Grant scholarships for nearly 10 million students even as they give tax cuts to wealthy. Your party loves black people??? Don’t piss on people and tell them it’s raining.

Annie….black people read. Black people listen. Black people understand. Black people are not cattle. Black people can smell manure. And you and your stuck up behind reeks of it. You contribute NOTHING to national discourse about ANYTHING. You are smug, WRONG, and vapid in general. Your “art” is hate….so BE GONE!!!

 

IS MASTURBATION SIN? Oy Vey……

 

WARNING: This may be an offensive subject to some. It is something Christians need to consider, and I have made a point to discuss it here in a modest manner.

Many people have asked me my stance in this subject. And I don’t have all the answers. But here’s my attempt to organize my thoughts in an intelligent manner.

 

Is masturbation a sin? For those of you who aren’t virgins and are trying to start over and wait until your married masturbating may be what keeps you going strong with your celibacy. Single women and men that are not sexually sinning with another will not have an outlet to relieve sexual tension. The first thing we must ask ourselves is, how do we become sexually excited when there is no marriage partner on the scene. The answer is obvious for 2 reasons:

1. Sight

2. Mind

First is sight. Every place we look we see sex. I can’t even go into a convenience store to buy my son a snack without being bombarded with soft core porn on a magazine cover right in visible sight. You try to turn away and then you spot the good looking half dressed women or men on the front. I was standing in line at a local store to pay for my coffee and there was a woman in front of me. Her eyes were fixed on the rack of condoms. What do you think was going through her mind at that time?

Second is mind, which dovetails sight. When we see things that trigger our sexual thoughts, we could possibly apply those pictures or items to someone we know personally. We may see someone we like (applies to both male and female) and then create a sexual scenario in our mind with what we saw and then if we are unmarried, we may put ourselves into extreme sexual excitement (sin) and have no release. So what is the next step for release without a partner, self lovin aka masturbation.

First, let’s examine a scripture that is often pointed to as “proving” masturbation is, indeed, a sin (gotta get this out of the way). The passage is Genesis 38:8-10. Onan was supposed to take his sister-in-law as his wife which was both customary when a man’s brother had no children and would later be included in the Law of Moses with that purpose in mind (Deuteronomy 25:5). In this case, God has specifically commanded Onan to do so (see verse 8). Onan was killed, not because he may have maturbated, but because he disobeyed God by not giving his new wife a child. The sin was not the fact that he “spilled his seed on the ground” but it was that he did not do what he was supposed to do for his brother’s wife by giving her children. Okay….moving along.

 
For me say masturbation is a sin for everybody in every case would be me binding what God has not bound. The Bible just does not specifically say such. But for many, masturbation is often a symptom of something else such as a heart of sinful sexual lust like I mentioned above. The masturbation may not be a sin itself, but the heart of evil lust certainly is.

 

So bottom line is masturbation may not always be sinful, but when it stems from an evil heart, or when it causes an evil heart or other sins………………STAY AWAY!!!

 

Not to mention…I can rationalize how it’s not a sin and very much needed all day and tomorrow…but we all know the devil will always try to convince us that sin is not sin as long as it is not boldly written out in the word of God. So while it makes sense to stay on my path of celibacy with “self love” my heart says it just isn’t right…..

 

Feel free to chime in with your views 🙂